Borders

A constant challenge in our family life was to find an activity that we could all enjoy together. I fervently sought out places we could visit where all three boys would have their developmental needs, likes and dislikes, met.

One memorable day, I put them all into the car and set off for Borders. My plan was to spend time amongst the children’s books before drinks and cake in the cafe. Past experience had shown me that Josh would manage about 15 minutes in the book department as long as he knew a cake would follow. This was long enough for all three to choose a book.

Things began well. The car journey was calm and we were able to park close to the store. We didn’t enter Borders quietly; the younger boys were prone to hyper chat when excited and Joshua was prone to shouting. As our presence was duly noted by staff and customers, I realised that to reach the books we needed to pass the stairs and the stairs led up to the cafe. My strategy was fatally flawed.

The approach to the back of the store was immediately foiled by Joshua’s dash for the central staircase. I called. He responded by sitting down on the 4^th step and refusing to move. He was loud. He was angry. He was in control. I didn’t want him to get his own way but the volume of his protests and the attention it drew made it too difficult for me. I hurried all three boys upstairs and joined the queue for drink and cake.

I reassured the younger two that books would follow and explained to Josh that we would eat now and THEN look at books. As I reiterated this, he angrily pulled the hair of the lady in front and shouted a bit more for good measure.

Peace descended and we sat and ate our cake. I successfully stopped Josh from pinching cakes off neighbouring tables and we were soon able to return to the ground floor for books.

Oliver’s love of books meant that each one he picked up had to be discussed enthusiastically. He told me how and when he’d seen this book and where it was in the school library. “Oh my goodness, there are more books around this corner Mummy!” I tried to show interest without betraying my frayed nerves. Samuel was happy to follow Olli but Josh refused to stay with us, determined to go back upstairs again to sample more cakes.

I attempted to keep him in the children’s section by singing silly songs. I then encouraged him into the cookery section so we could look at his favourite foods. Anything to buy time. Finally, as calmly as I could, I suggested to Olli and Sam that they choose their book so we could leave. They dutifully did as I asked whilst I continued to do battle with Josh.

What I’d failed to realise was that Josh was still only performing in Act 1 of the play we were in. As we walked to the tills, he sunk to the ground and began to scream. I tried to get him to stand up using all the ‘tricks of the trade’. But he wouldn’t. He wanted to go upstairs for another cake and wasn’t going to move. I wasn’t going to let him: we were in a standoff.

I stepped away, ignoring what he was doing and watching the other two boys whilst they paid for their books. Olli appeared unaffected but Samuel looked terrified.

Josh upped the ante and began to hit passers-by. He pulled books off the shelves and flung them across the floor. Offers of help by customers or staff were rewarded by a swift kick to the shin. He was out of control. All I could do was wait it out.

I avoided eye contact hoping to defuse the situation. The tantrum continued for an unbearably long time. Finally he calmed and crawled to a cookery book. As he sat on the floor looking at it, I walked over, sat down and asked whether he would like to buy this book. He did.

The relief I felt as I excited the store was short lived. Josh sat on the rubber mats next to the sliding doors and once again refused to move. Customers were forced to walk round him if they wished to enter the shop unscathed. The automatic doors took on a life of their own once Joshua realised that his movements would affect them.

I sent the other two boys to the car and stood and waited. After 20 minutes, I threw out all known parenting advice and told Josh that I would go home without him if he didn’t come with me. This empty threat coupled with my walking to the car and starting the engine surprisingly worked. Not my proudest moment but successful. He got up and got into the car.

As I sat and recovered, I heard a small sniffle coming from the back seat. I turned round, anticipating the crying to be about the ruined trip; wondering how I could bring comfort. However, Oliver looked at me with his big blue eyes and anxiously asked “You weren’t really going to leave him behind were you mum?”